A year ago yesterday, I went to bed at the end of the day knowing it was the end of my last day living a lie. The next day, I woke up no longer living a double life. I was Amelia and that was it.
While my past life sometimes feels so long ago as to almost stop seeming real, it’s hard to believe it’s been a year already since I “went live.“ Compared to a year ago, I have a totally new job, live in a new city, have a new legal name, am 100% out as transgender to the entire world, have a tattoo, spend 100% less time living a lie, and just understand so much more about the world/life/everything; however, by far, the most remarkable thing about where I am now is how unremarkable everyday life is. It’s boring. It’s…perfect.
For a while, transition can be kind of crazy. There are a thousand things to deal with and consider; it can be hard to keep with yourself sometimes, but things have a way of slowing down later on. There’s very little to do anymore except live my normal life. I take some pills everyday and inject myself with estrogen once a week, I get the occasional labs done to check my hormone levels, and that’s really about it. Being trans is becoming less and less of a focal point in my life with each day. I will always be trans and I will always be open about it and talk about it and pretty much wear it on my sleeve as I do. I love being trans (most of the time). However, I spend less time thinking about it and it spends less time controlling my life.
If you’re a regular reader here or you know me in meatspace, you know that I’ve had some emotionally difficult times in the last few months. I even questioned whether this was all worth it. The thing is, when I questioned that, I was really stressed and dealing with a lot of things going on. As I sit here typing this now, there isn’t even a question. Nothing in that post has stopped being true, but it’s easier to clearly see how much better life is and how much less miserable I am. It’s kind of amazing.
All that said, one thing I don’t ever want to lose sight of, though, is how easy I’ve had it. I came out at a job where everyone was super awesome and accepting to the point where it wasn’t even really a thing. Now, I work at a place which is possibly even more accepting and no one even knows my old name or what I looked like or anything about my life before transition. Being trans just isn’t even a thing there. I’m also lucky in that I have a lot of passing privilege. I’ve said it before, but I don’t care about passing. I want people to see me as a woman and it’s really upsetting when I look in the mirror and think I look like a dude, but I have zero interest in trying to “pass” as a cisgender woman. I’m not cis and I don’t want to be cis. I’m trans and I’m proud of that and I am open about that. It’s just that I’m also a woman and I want to be seen as that first. I’m a woman who just so happens to be trans.
Really, I don’t even know what else to say about it. I’ve been “full time” (god, I hate that term) for a year now which seems like a pretty big deal, but it’s mostly boring. I go about my life like any other woman does. It’s routine now. I wouldn’t say “I’m done transitioning” though. I don’t even really know what that would mean. I’m done with a lot of stuff related to transition and it’s no longer a thing I’m actively working on, but to say I’m done transitioning would make it seem so final. It would make it seem as if I’m done growing and learning. I don’t think that could ever be the case. I wouldn’t want it to be. I will always be transitioning in some way. We all are, whether you’re trans or not.